...path of no return...

2006-11-20T21:58:00.000+08:00

it amazes me how opposites attract...just like how play is attracting me when study should be sweeping me off my feet.

i was reading a friend's blog...u know...the one who happily edited my vulgarities off her questionnaire and it made me think. i'm looking forward to this holiday so much and i'm waiting so much to do...what? it's like i can't wait for hols. i can't wait for hols. i can't wait for hols dammit. okay i'm obsessing but what then...

i want to run in the sun, feel my sweat dripping, heart pounding...i want to go out and kayak. oh kayak kayak kayak. i need a canoe. but with power comes responsibility. and so i'm going to work. but i haven't even found a job.

looking at all the things i have to do...it's a long list. hoping to get them all done soon. dying from all the last minute stresses.

work hard now and live later? any other way out of this?

2006-11-17T00:22:00.000+08:00

i found it fucking funny...

-excerpt from richard gere advertisement...

more birds, more luck.

-excerpt from a friend's msn nick..

this time, really no more.

2006-11-10T21:38:00.000+08:00

been very very cooped up with stuff. finally i get to put my mind to rest.
it's time to gear up for sth new. exams! yes finals are here. and i'm dying but not dead.

saw ms wong in town today. been so long since i saw my nts teachers.

time to move into nitrogen gear.

someday i guess we will look back and wonder how come the world worked in such a funny manner. how nice it would be if we could just lie down and stare at the open sky. somedays are just so beautiful yet no one really stops to take a breather and look around them. must be the fast pace...

destiny made us look at each other's way...

2006-10-13T01:51:00.000+08:00

SHE inspires me to move. SHE makes my heart bleed a thousand gallons of tears yet SHE can make me run all the way. SHE gave me a reason to believe that life isn't as painful as it seems. SHE does things to make my heart smile though i'm all worn out and dying. SHE is someone i cannot fathom yet SHE is someone who i seem to understand. and i miss HER. and i wonder what is in store for US this time round.

i will take you by your hand through the rain.
let's make each other smile all the way.

2006-09-21T16:47:00.000+08:00

someone kill me...

ps...b4 u kill me tell me why blogger support refuses to answer my mails...

2006-09-09T16:42:00.000+08:00

it's inside where it all matters.

03 dead.

2006-09-06T10:43:00.000+08:00

a word of advise...

crumpler = small guy

-----------------------------

busy busy me.

i love my life dammit...

2006-08-27T20:00:00.000+08:00

this is what happens when you wished money grew on trees...

gimme back my mahnee Goddammit...

hmmm...on the other side of the fence, i'm barred from any form of vigourous activity due to a long term back problem. still, i have to look forward to housework...

dots.

over and out...

2006-08-20T00:49:00.000+08:00

tmd tired.
don't speak.
i don't want to hear.

2006-08-18T15:49:00.000+08:00

some things are just so argh.
use use use...
tsk.

school is getting fine.
life's a lil scary.
fighting so hard.
need to run and run and run for that dream.

2006-08-15T15:31:00.000+08:00

it's been a long long time and school finally starts. doesn't feel like it has started actually. been in such a floating lifestyle for some time already. is this what happens when u are all settled down and you think that there's nothing more that you will ever need? all the more i haven't been updating myself on the curent affairs. this is really bad. i need to work on it all. must learn to juggle better.

got a job offer for comex. plus i can get my comp there. so why not. hohoho... comex comex...

damn everything has been so surprising...i wonder what is next...

chasing chasing chasing...

2006-08-11T15:51:00.000+08:00

haven't been getting much space to breathe but i'm loving it...
kinda packed cos i haven't been managing my time properly...
been giving it all up for fun's sake...
lol...
but i'm loving it...

getting sick...
getting taken care of...
hohoho...

2006-08-04T12:01:00.000+08:00

worried sick...

anyway got lots to finish off...
school yada yada yada...

life...
hmmm...

2006-07-31T23:49:00.000+08:00

if i said that everything seems weird...
maybe it is...

is it just me...
or the person outside you see...

what is this i feel...
scared to lose...
scared to fall...
scared to find out that after all...
time still says no...
and i am denied once more...

the distance is growing...
and i wonder why...

i saw a rainbow...
wishing i could just stare at it forever...

2006-07-27T21:38:00.000+08:00

it's been so freaking long since i stepped in here. sometimes i feel that after what evan said that day in the pa campsite, there wasn't anymore need to write everything down. in summary, life's been great. i've found someone. she's someone i've known all along but never really got a chance to find out her true self. and strangely, i've never regretted anything that came along before this time. it's amazing how i can just let go of my worries when i see her. and i'm not going to forget to mention that she never ceases to amaze me. we may not have every single thing in common but at least there is that mutual understand between us.

all that i'm thankful for is that i'm at peace with things.
and it's been this way ever since i found out that you were the one.
thanks for all the encouragement.
thanks for the time and effort.
it's something i'll never forget.

2006-07-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

when you are happy...
when you know that life always has meaning...
when you realise that there is only one reason to stop but many reasons to go on...

it's a life worth fighting for.

2006-06-11T10:40:00.000+08:00

came back and first thing i did was to look for hy. good move or bad move? i don't know. she was suprised. and i was glad to see her. but later on things just took a turn for the worse when my stomach started acting up. i'll truly not know whether you want to see me anymore...what with all that happened.

i was out drinking pints and pints of hoegaarden with jo. not bad really. german beer. no wonder it mirrors paulaner's quite well. HAZ came. it was a hug fest. she was kinda the highlight of the whole game. haz's arrival. oh well, karen also had a shock and was in a laughing fit when she heard my voice on jo's phone. so we were all reunited. in the end i guess we all didn't concentrate on the match but on talking and talking and "divining the future" with their prediction.

met qian there. and wad was with all the hugging? -.- i'm not ur bolster and i'm allergic to pink. nice catching up for that while.

almost half of singapore was at holland v. saw a few ppl and i guess i attracted shanning's glance cos i was wearing tanglin's jersey out. everyone saw each other's friends. jieqi at breko with gf? lol. but it was fun. wanted to go up cos the unexpected were playing but decided against it in the end.

woot. spending excessively on alcohol is now the next best thing to sleeping. realised that when it comes to beer, it's more consumable than hard liquor. or maybe i'm beginning to love alcohol. anti-depressant. haha.

this whole week...have to cut down the time to half a week to get everything done. i must not procrastinate any longer...

monday get all those applications done.
tuesday get all the shopping done.
wednesday onwards it's study at home and gym till the exams.
busy busy.

those eyes are still the same. ishk.

words are the easiest form of a lie.

2006-06-11T10:26:00.000+08:00

in the end after everything, i feel that...i really don't matter at all.
even as a friend.

ultra depressed.
i have to do sth today.
or will i just slp thru my pass application.
lol.
get deported back to m'sia.

dunno what's left here and in here.
all the stupid things.

2006-06-11T00:03:00.000+08:00

i think...
keeping me tipsy every night is the only way i'm going to get a decent night's rest...

ilu.
and i hate that we can't be tgt.

i'm caught up in this wheel again.

maybe i'll never be able to move on in relationships...

yearn to love and be loved but i can never get it...

can you take me back

2006-06-10T14:30:00.000+08:00

things have changed but,
your eyes were still the same.

can you rewind,
those memories,
they were beautiful.

pick it up,
strike it down,
do you know,
those were the fragments of my heart.

can you stop time,
bring out those days,
like now never happened,
after all...

i feel the the light so alive.

i cannot erase,
nights so long,
pictures so strong,
words so harsh,
tears to sleep,
and when i wake.

threw away my pride,
left a shell behind.

why does this have to happen...
words are just words.

fame and glory, same old story.
does it mean alot, alot to you.

i wasn't drunk enough...

2006-06-10T12:39:00.000+08:00

it was heineken with jo. glad to see her. though it was impromtu.
then i watched the world cup at home. with additional martell shots.
still, it could not take away the pain of knowing reality.

pent up emotions.
wanting things to be better but you know that you'll never get what you want.

trying to ask questions and find out why things are not "normal".
the truth really hurts.

knowing that all you can do is watch and be there.
but never ever getting close to that certain person anymore.

understanding that human nature is such that they never realise what they have...
until it is long gone.

i'm planning to keep drinking.
suddenly feel the urge to damage my liver since my stomach is giving so much problems.

breaking my heart slow.
that's an irreversible process now.
slowly a black hole is covering what used to be a once beating heart.

tonight onz! hope i get to go walas and see my darlings.
tuesday also onz. muahhaha. another day of drink and drink and fuck life.
come on someone make me a hit and run victim.

what do i want?
world peace.
i see a rough image but is that it?
single life i guess.

trying to make a stand on my own but what's the point of a one man army?
how long before it crumbles?

i wish i knew what to do.
i wish i had the strength to see things through.
i wish i could actually come to terms with reality.
someone told me...don't think, don't wish, don't even dream of it...
but in the end, all that's left is me.

hope is deceiving.

what do you want?
is it because i'm still hanging?
sigh.

and while i was lecturing qian on things that i myself am not handling well...
it just dawned on me how ironic life can get.
easy for you to say.
hard for you to do.

like what she said...what did i do in life to get all this?
how to put it that it's just my inexperience that led me this way...
so what's right and what's wrong?
what do people believe in now?
what do i want to believe in?
argh...

a shout out to everyone...
i'm back...
thanks so much for being there all along.
love you gals.

ps...renee WAH...mai act busy arh. rmb to keep a slot.

2006-06-10T03:02:00.000+08:00

WHY DO I STILL FEEL THIS WAY...
WHYYYY...
I'M SO BLIND...
I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND FOR YOU...
ARGH...
WHYYYYY...

i miss you...

2006-06-09T02:04:00.000+08:00

i feel extremely sian.like i don't ever want to return to sg.and i just want to let time freeze forever in this manner.everything i have to face when i get back to sg.i don't want to know the truth.so tired of thinking.but i can't run.kill me.pls.

2006-06-08T14:23:00.000+08:00

when the people you love are gone, you're alone.
i miss being part of their lives and them being part of mine.
i wonder what the present would be like if they were here - what we might have done together.
i miss the great things that will never be.

2006-06-08T12:26:00.001+08:00

it seems that blogger tends to become wacky at night. wanted to write quite alot last night.

and it's only at night i tend to have "overfloweth of the heart" as sagely jo puts it.

was supposed to sleep early last night cos i had to wake up even earlier for my haircut. grooming. however, when i was about to slp. -pop- you came online. and i was left wondering... and wondering... waited until you went offline then i slept. funny how things work. looking at your nick... just reminded me of so many things.

had breathing difficulties. which intensified when i kept thinking. took at least half an hour to calm down before i could sleep. -.- it's getting absurd.

baby don't you break my heart slow eh... the irony. one worded answers. hmmm...

i like the way you wanted me...every night for so long baby...
i like the way you needed me...every time things got rocky...
i was believing in you...
was i mistaken...
do you say..do you say wad you mean...
i want our love to last forever.

tsk...can still rmb how sian i was when u were telling me that ah bao sent u this song when it was actually me... sigh.

tonight the gals will all be at zouk herstory. not that i'm regretting. i don't have the cash to go. my phone bill came and BOMBed the shit out of my account. survive on air. i think i have to sell my clothes or something to pay up. amazing that i only smsed one particular person and then bomb. -.- now BOTH of us are eating air and trying to piss gold shit silver.

wonder what to think.
what to feel.
what to do.

i'm missing you...gal even though you're right by my side...
cos the distance between us is growing too wide...

why...
sigh...

2006-06-08T12:26:00.000+08:00

2006-06-07T16:55:00.000+08:00

when i look back and let things run through my mind, it's so ironic.
i let my love for you blind me.

you threw a fit when you found out i was dating (though it's only a joke).
and went to the extent of severing ties with me (through deleting the blog).
do you notice the feelings involved?

and then when you got together with terrence, you never told me.
you see the irony.
i didn't blame you.
i didn't throw a fit at you.

during the situation, i still kept trying to make things right.
love...is really a fool.
shame on you, you fooled me once but shame on me since i let you fool me twice.

maybe you hadn't the time to think about it all.
so who's being selfish here?

the feelings in here are stronger than you think.
for love is truly blind and all-forgiving.

westlife's if your heart's not in it

2006-06-07T05:18:00.000+08:00

alley girl you are the first star in my sky.
i hope to see you till i die.
the times we had were so unreal.

she means alot to me.

those memories they were beautiful.
can you take me back.
you made me realise...

it's all over now.

2006-06-07T03:31:00.000+08:00

it's damn early in the morning and i'm talking with the mornin crew. yes yes...you know who you are. the one who is trying to multitask, the one who is saying i'm like edison chen and the one who is watching channel 62. yes all of u are deemed as the morning crew. cockadoodle doo...

i am sick with maple. died four freaking times today. not one not two not three but four. freak u maple. i was so sian i didn't know where to go so i took my dear boy to orbis. yes it was an 80000 meso trip but i took it. si bei sian.

edison chen gal is high. very high. so high she can fly. fly to the fucking sky.

multitasker is doing a good job of well...multitasking. working ur arse off aye.

and channel 62 has her eyes glued to channel 62.

what more can i say...

thousand shades of agony...

2006-06-06T13:05:00.000+08:00

it's another day again.
it's another day when i wake up to reality.
to find that pain is all i have.
churning churning churning.

to remember all the things said and done.
the injury, the hurt, the pain.
all i'm left is with the song.
and it's all my own doing.

everyone's asking me to eat.
i can't.
degenerative society.

it's becoming an agony to all who read my blog.
maybe i should just vanish for good and keep all these to myself.

2006-06-06T02:48:00.000+08:00

pathetically wallowing in my suffering.

the pain came again this time worse than the last. it was like sth gripped my chest and crushed the bones together. i was left panting for breath for those few minutes in what seemed like eternity. it came and finally went. what happened? it gets worse each time.

my vision blurs still.
it's already 3am.
and i can't sleep.
i'm still reminded of the past.

tasting blood.
did sth happen in my body or what.
i know not.

what is it like to die.
will it be ten times more painful than that sensation gripping me?

breathe.
i couldn't breathe.
still not able to breathe properly.

i think i know why...
i only ate a slice of bread with tuna on it.
really no appetite.
why?
go figure.

causeway point.
now when was the last time i've been there.
oh...with you.
were you reminiscing when u were there?
maybe you have already forgotten.

i want a bike.
to race to the end of the earths.
the thrill of high speeds.
i want to crash and burn.

maybe it's time to take sleeping pills.

2006-06-06T00:55:00.001+08:00

my prev entry didn't get published.

it contained alot of what i wanted to say.

but now it's gone.
just like how the blog went.

thanks once again to everyone for their advise. i really appreciate it. sigh. thanks.
know it's all up to me now.

thanks.

there is a paradox that when you love till it hurts, there is no more pain but only love.

i still love you.
i know not why.
just like i know not why i'm always tearing when i'm alone and you flash into my mind.

can still rmb your last entry...
I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end

my nights are never-ending fights to say imu and ilu to a certain person.
one day these may all be buried.
but for now...the night remains...

2006-06-06T00:55:00.000+08:00

2006-06-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

the tears haven't stopped.
ever since then.
and i wonder after so long.
in the end, this is what becomes of me.

was i wrong to say what i felt.
maybe i should have been selfish and maybe i should have just kept it all to myself.
maybe i should not have said a single word to tell you that i'm still in so much pain.
so that you can move on.
so that your anger would have guided you onto something else.
with or without me, you are capable of finding someone else.

it's like the realisation that you are able to move on with somebody else even though we shared so much.
maybe it was me in the end who was the possessive one.
maybe i should have gone through with my sacrifices and turn whatever was left into dust.
at least then you will be totally free.
so many maybes and no confirmed doubts.

take what's left of me and let me burn in hell.
if only to make your life better.

2006-06-05T17:16:00.000+08:00

when all is said and done.
i am left standing on my own.
rapiers in hand while i let go a primal scream.
beneath me lies a path of destruction.
a road filled with lies.
and it will haunt me.
forever and ever it shall never let me go.
shackles torn from the chains that bound me adorn my feet.
i've broken the last thread of faith.
i've thrown away the last shred of my honour.
and now...i am but an empty shell.
no one will console me.
the one who matters most will shun me.
you will never fathom the depths i've thrown myself to.
it's so dark and cold in here.

dark...and..
cold.

dedicated to lara croft

2006-06-05T14:10:00.000+08:00

i grew up with her. played with her. slept with her. now she's back.

piggyback interactive did a write-up on the walkthrough. plus there were some juicy news added. -slurps- if i could become her i wouldn't mind wearing all those biker jackets and leather pants. should i go and get the game? hmmm... too time consuming? amk...here i comeeeee...piracy is still the best.

i don't do dates but...

2006-06-04T22:58:00.000+08:00

yes...amidst all the controversy, i'm dating qian again.

-.-

i don't care what you might think about me...you'll be fine without me if you want~
i could be the one to take you home.
baby we could rock the night alone.
i could be the one to turn u out.
we cld be the talk across the town.

angel fire east

2006-06-04T13:17:00.000+08:00

amazing book. been reading it all week and it had alot of things that reflected life's lessons. the ending was bittersweet. a very nice touch to it. the whole story revolves around this knight of the word who has to fight against the void. of course the void outnumbers the word's knight. demon magic that exists brought a nice touch. plus the involvement of a gal with the inborn ability of magic. throughout the story the gal grows. in book one, she's 14 learning what every kid...not really what every kid but just her learning things she had to go through cos she's special. her dark past and how to overcome it. book two shows how the knight got so depressed over his failures and how he wanted to run away instead of facing it and there she was, the little gal 19 now going all about trying to make him realise he's going to become a demon. the final book was like a showdown. it wasn't fast paced but the flow of the story made up for it. demons left right and center. deaths left right and center. and they are the only ones who can stop the demons. this time the gal is 29. so many years later... and then finally they found something to fight the void with at the cost of the knight's own life.

anyway the book made me feel quite uneasy when i finally finished it. it's like i'm yanked out of fantasy into reality once more. though it helped dull the inner feelings, i couldn't help but feel very much the same as i was a few days ago. it's like when it all comes back to you, all you can do is to tell yourself it's over. move on. get over it. or else you'll be stuck in the same cycle and all you will do is cry till your eyes are bloodshot. all these distractions are good in a way. i still learn through them.

after once whole week of not coming online and checking things out. i can't say that i feel much better but at least my mind's much more at ease. that's y there is mixed feelings about returning to singapore. maybe this is what i should do all my life. if only time would come to a standstill right now.

mom's trying hard to work on me. i'm such a big project for everyone. hmmm...what to do?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

world of maple... also mapled quite alot. discovered a few more areas to whack monsters. senseless killing is therapeutic -- quoted from sagely jo. that's the platform to ludibrium. i would call it to ludicrous cos the whole town is like lego blocks. so interesting cos there's so much to enjoy. the myriad of colours involved. sometimes i really admire the creators of this game. how did they manage to put so much together without everything falling apart. look at the amount of detail. i can understand the hell one would have to go through programming just to get everything to fit together. -hats off-

the journey to ludibrium is by train. it's quite realistic too.

the ludibrium platform to go back to ossyria.

journey back to ossyria.

at the ossyria platform to victoria island.

the platform at ellenia.

i had to take the journey cos my warrior reached 30. seems that he had to be tested and promoted. the map is extensive. if given a chance maybe i would like to try my to program a game. graphics-wise i think i'm not capable enough but programming maybe i can do something. it's a long shot. all this is quite foreign to me.

yesterday no one was online. i was so happy. i believe three-quarters of singapore must have blacked out. elated, i managed to finish my task without getting disconnected. the sense of success and fulfilment. sweet sweet success.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm in love...with her...

ain't she a beauty? the modified lara croft. tomb raider legend. the epitome of seductive.

after so long, i never thought she would resurrect my inner fire for her. lara lara...

2006-05-31T00:53:00.000+08:00

this is the point where i wonder is it cos i have so little faith...okay let's not put the words so little faith...let's say that i don't want to hope or to dream of us being together in future anymore in order not to be hurt in any other way...that's why i can even consider turning girly.

is it cos i see the way you are that makes my heart fall so deep into the spikes that i just want to turn my back on what i believe in and let it all just turn to ashes. how many more do i have to go through...how many more do i have to see you go around with before it ends? and what kind of ending am i looking forward to? i know not. and even if i wanted it to be, you won't permit me.

i can picture myself saying one day...don't mark my gravestone with the day i die. mark it with the date my heart died instead. cos when i stop feeling, that's when everything ceased to be.

why am i in this shape again.

i'm with my arms around my knees banging my head on the wall. why do i have to put myself through this. why do i still feel for you so. why.

why do i relive this moment everyday of my life since the day you went away.

what can i do to change this. what can i do. feel so helplessly lost in this. why did things turn out this way...

to think that you actually said that we shouldn't have started in the first place. oh God. why. no. don't do this to me.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2006-05-30T21:23:00.000+08:00

talking about things on my mind. the past haunts me again.
it's like dying all over again evey single day. rewind play rewind play.
i'm thinking of how i'm going to face up to things the way they are.
the questions i have to ask.
and then realising that some things may never be.
it's harder than anything.
how do you know you are wrong till you get to the end?
let's rephase that question.
how sure are you that the things around you are wrong unless you see sth like the results?
i'm not sure.
i'm still on the journey to finding the answers.

2006-05-30T19:28:00.000+08:00

the journey to ossyria rekindled my interest in senseless killing. first it was being on the ship. notice the amount of detail. and the journey really took time. there was a fixed departure time set and all. so it felt very much like reality. there of course the main place to hunt was at orbis tower. however, the ones i could hit only gave me a mere 0.05%. wtf. how the hell am i going to level up? and even more wtf is that one more level and i'm 30 means that i should not have spent that 80000 mesos going to ossyria. i should just have stayed on victoria island. tmd.

in reality, i was trying to apply what i felt in the game. it's like a journey of life. you go to new places. you do new things. you plan out everything nicely. but you never know where you may end up, what you may get. the game is just a miniature of life in a less complex manner.

so comes the part about exploring new boundaries. it made me excited and a little scared. but one thing about games...they are simple things. unlike the thought provoking assignment 101 given by sagely jo. those were my one off answers and the thing is that the more you want to think about a certain thing, the more complicated you make it, the more your head spins. maybe it's more about determining what you want and tempering your fires of determination with resolve.

my mom came in to speak to me again. counseling maybe. but it shows that she loves me and wants to share her life with me. and i was telling her about mine. most of it about my friends. one part i just told her i have a friend. and it so seems that her dad told her that he rather she get married and go through a divorce than to be les or gay. she felt that her dad was indeed selfish. my mother saw it another way by saying that to marry someone is to give your all and be happy with that someone. but in my perspective i feel like asking her now but i know it's too late that...so...in the father's context, being les or gay is much much much worse than being a divorcee is it? is that it? i understand where my mom is coming from especially since she's already married and all but when i read the question over again...is it really that in a parent's mind, being les or gay is ten times or more worse than being a divorcee?

i got invited to participate in NUS's student exchange program to a selection of places like austria, belgium, switzerland, france or germany. it's such a tempting invitation to take up. i think i shall think it over through the lychee desert.

2006-05-30T02:47:00.000+08:00

i was browsing some blogs and i realised that i just absofuckinglutely hate it when ppl start to discriminate. skin colour, cos we are les or gays, just cos all of you out there think you are fucking normal being oh so fucking straight. let me tell you. being straight doesn't mean you have right of the world over these people. being so almighty doesn't mean that the rules of earth are special for you.

especially hate mcps. you may all say that i'm discriminating. but seriously i don't think you deserve my respect. those who have gotten my trust and respect have earned it their way. for the rest of you out there, seriously i don't give a fuck.

i'm not taking your right of way to discriminate. by all means go ahead. just wondering whether you know what it means to be human. tsk.

2006-05-29T22:08:00.000+08:00

a few excerpts from the book that made me think...

fear is a fire to temper courage and resolve.

everything changes with time's passage. only change itself is constant. so you must adapt and adjust and remember to keep close what is important and not to forget its purpose.

hard questions were needed to uncover those truths. but the truths define who we are. they measure our place in the world. that is why they have worth. we search and we learn. it is how we grow.

2006-05-29T21:17:00.000+08:00

i've been sleeping alot today. it's more than normal and i have got to learn to control this. just like i have to learn to control all my feelings and what not.

okay i think i just got turned off by someone's profile. pui.

no productive work done.
no productive guitaring done.
no productive effort towards raking in more money accomplished.
no productivity - me.

noooooooooooooooo. cannot la. must find out what is wrong. no no no no no no no.

alley girl you are the first star in my sky.
i hope to see you till i die.

go down for more starfruit.
muahahhaha.

2006-05-29T13:28:00.000+08:00

just woke up. supposed to go to bank early in the morning but how to when i didn't slp well at all the previous night. waking up was not good. i black faced my mom and after some time i went back to sleep again. sigh. late nights.

i see alot of nice things on ebay. very tempted to get though they are secong hand. still there's this first hand minarik guitars. woot. the designs are not bad. like they are on fire.

this is one of them with a real shattered mirror top. it's fierce. damn fierce. 1k plus. however it's very hard to mount on a stand. must be wall mounted or suspended in mid-air.

if you are interested can check out www.minarikguitars.com . i like samhain design though. damn but the technology used in this guitar. even if i get it, i don't think i'll be able to fully utilise it.

also there's a few more good buys. i'm so tempted. but thinking about what my mom said about the previous person's soul or whatever stuck to it...turn off arh.

i don't wanna thinkkkkkkkkk...

2006-05-29T03:06:00.000+08:00

i'm listening to girl by frequency cannon and it reminds me of you.

Girl
Every morning when I look around
I try to find the face that I saw inside my dreams
My dreams last night

And every morning I see an empty room
Full of memories I wish would vanish soon
cause it hurts me so

And like a dream an
Angel came my way
She gave me hope and a smile on my face and
I'd like to tell her that she means a lot to me

Alley Girl you drive me crazy
Like the wind that blows a soft cool breeze
Alley Girl you are the first star in my sky
I hope to see you 'til I die

When you came like a wave that swirls and turns you taught me things that
I never thought I'd learn about me
How can I ever think of hurting you
my angel baby that came out of the blue skies above

You know its true that me and you will always stick like paper to glue
That's why I'd like to sing this song to you
sing to you

Alley Girl you drive me crazy
Like the wind the blows a soft cool breeze
Alley Girl you are the first star in my sky
I hope to see you till I die

Alley Girl you drive me crazy
Like the wind the blows a soft cool breeze
Alley Girl you are the first star in my sky
I hope to see you till I die
You drive me crazy, you drive me crazy
Alley Girl

---------------------------------------------------------

sigh. every word really paints the picture i can never describe. waking up every morning to find reality is not as sweet as it used to be. i wish...things cld have been different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IsgW9FiYRE

it's not the actual band on the tv though. listen to the song. it's great. sigh.

2006-05-28T22:42:00.000+08:00

initially i didn't want to write in here. but after some time, i realised i'm already in so what the heck.

mapled more than usual today even though the server was merely testing my patience.

the number of users has reached the max limit. tmd.

anyway maple...it brings back alot of memories. and the best part is i play alone. level alone so it gives me more time to think. wth. maple held part of my memories. sigh.

damn monkeys. first i thought after changing so many channels i would finally get a secluded place with good kill then came not one but TWO frigging monkeys. of course you can see me running away...

------------------------------------------------------------

i read part one of the word and void trilogy. in other words, the fight between good and evil. barely started on the second part and i was down wondering how come evil is always pictured as having the more productive side. as in they always have a ratio of ten evil to one good. why? why couldn't it be the other way and then i looked at our own world and came to the conclusion. our world is like that too. maybe worse.

book one was not centered on john ross but this girl and i marvel at the way the author made the surroundings come to life by painting the picture with her words. you can feel the emotions as the gal found out so many things. and the best part was that you can see how time flowed. all the events transpired within a matter of days. most of all was the love from the grandmother. how she sacrificed her magic for the sake of her granddaughter's future. sigh.

in the second book, when the granddaughter was grown up and her grandpa and grandma died, she visited their graves and just reading those words brought a tear. it just reminded me of the future that when it comes, it just comes.

and all this made me think. what do i really want. what am i looking for. who am i striving to be. am i correct in seeing things the way they are. people shield themselves from the truth cos it hurts.

quasimodo

2006-05-28T00:17:00.000+08:00

you can be right
and I'll be real
honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel
cause I don't need your approval
to find my worth
I'm trapped inside of my own mind
afraid to open my eyes cause of what I'd find and I
don't want to live like this anymore

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes

does it scare you that I can
be something different than you
would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't
you can't control me
and you can't take away from me who I am

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back

have you ever felt
like your only comfort was your cage
you're not alone
I've felt the same as you
have you ever felt
like your secrets give you away
you're not alone
I've been there too
cause everyone is looking
and everyone is laughing but I think
everyone feels the same
everybody wants to feel okay
everybody wants to
everybody wants to feel

there goes my pain
there goes my chains
did you see them falling
because this feeling
that has no meaning

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
cause I don't want it
I don't want it
you can't change me
you can't break me

there goes the world
off of my shoulders
there goes the world
off of my back
there it goes

2006-05-26T23:37:00.000+08:00

i can feel the loneliness at the back of my heart.
it's something that i'm touching cos i can't sense much now.
with all that will vanish in time to come.
and everything will go.
sigh.
i don't want to be in such a position.
asking what i want.
what i foresee.
it's not always as simple as being a girl or being a guy then leading your life.
there's more to it than meets the eye.
maybe i should be left alone.
but still, how much more will come my way and how much more of this do i have to take.
been staying at home for a week plus already.
if only this time would remain forever and i won't have to think.
won't have to grow up.
won't have to face the reality of it all.
i don't want to keep thinking of why some people can be happy and have their peace of mind.
and how some people can find love.
let's just leave it at that.
don't want to say no more.

gone.

2006-05-26T17:57:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how some people can just do things as if nothing happened at all when in fact, something did happen.

2006-05-26T15:21:00.000+08:00

TELL ME WHO'S WRONG TO LOVE? LESBIANS AND GAYS IS IT?

2006-05-26T14:06:00.000+08:00

i showed my mom my name on the honour roll and she was saying how come i'm so stupid. never go for graduation. then can take picture of me getting the prize. she's upset that i am skipping graduation and she can't see me go up the stage to receive whatever prize i'm getting. sigh. she told me to think properly for future's sake. mom...don't be sad can...

argh.

2006-05-26T13:57:00.000+08:00

THREE YEARS CONSECUTIVE DIRECTOR'S HONOUR ROLL.

WOOOT!~

2006-05-25T23:09:00.000+08:00

inside of me i can feel that we love
and we will love
as how you took my hand
like it was the most natural thing to do
though it's all in the past now
i still remember it as if it were yesterday

----------------------------------------------------------------

my dad bacame my saviour overnight. he is the most understanding dad i could have ever wished for. his gaze never faltered as he took on the role of my guide in life. he told me: man or woman, you are still my child. if u want to be a man, don't be a man just cos you have sth of them or want sth that they have. know the essence of being a man. (it's not his exact words but i get the gist of it.) he was saying to go find myself. take this time to go out and search. to be the person he saw in me. capable of much more than being a follower. to lead. and he talked about hy(he didn't know who but he was saying in terms of someone i love and i can't let go), and i can still remember his exact words...if that gal goes off with other guys, ain't you doing her a favour by letting her go and explore cos she's still young. and say if your love is really true and things were meant to be, 3 to 5 years down the road, you will still come back together. give her ther time she needs as a young girl to grow up and be more matured then she can think about what she really wants in her life. and he touched on the loneliness i felt as if he has known it all his life. he was saying that cos i don't have my parents around of course i'll be lonely. sigh. he said so much. and he lifted my spirits so... my dad...59.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm happy that she msned me. lol. small thing but yeah. =) lol...y nia talk whole day? cos sad lo. big foot is so cute la.

2006-05-25T19:49:00.000+08:00

it makes me want to die even more knowing what my mom said: what have i done to deserve this...the worse is to suffer when you are old.

do you know how i feel inside. so i should be unselfish. i should discard my happiness and my comfort for your happiness and your comfort.

i'm so sad. i though you could accept. and yet again i'm proven wrong. what can i do to make you accept me. go for a freaking sex change is it?

it hurts to tell you everything cos i know you'll be so upset too. it hurts even more when you don't understand why i was with her. and it hurt the most when you asked me is she willing to come down and marry you? and i could only reply she wanted to but she had to give into family. you had to keep saying that i'm the instigator cos i'm older. that i'm not singaporean. that everyone hates gays and lesbians there.

i know life can be simple. for you, if i was a girl. yes, it could have been very simple if i were girly and all that too. but who's to say that i wouldn't get into trouble too.

don't ask me why i can't sleep at night. i'm too sad to sleep. always crying to sleep.

2006-05-25T14:51:00.000+08:00

what the point in living sometimes when you know that you may never be truly happy?

take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you.
cos all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove.

oh, look what you've done...you've made a fool of everyone.
oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won.

give me back my point of view cos i just can't think for you.
i can hardly hear you say what should i do...well, you choose.

memories. what is it to leave them behind?

2006-05-25T13:35:00.000+08:00

jake shimabukuro is a great ukelele player...salute man

2006-05-24T23:23:00.000+08:00

i keep telling myself everyday i'm not alone in all this. that even if my friends are far away and we are talking online, somehow i guess i still feel the warmness that you gave inside. drawing my strength from within to move on each day. there's no more hope left. just wanting to find myself and trying so move on inch by inch.

one thing i love about my friends is that they rehabilitate me. they give me hope that i can't find.
my mom and dad...they still love me. dunno whether my dad knows. but my mom does. and she still loves me. makes me think. i shld really go out and find myself. who am i. why am i like this.

of course there's no answer to why i love hy but i just do. but sigh...that chapter has to close. sad love stories. hold them close huh. guess that's the only way.

still i can't help but feel empty inside. truly empty. am i one of those who needs someone by my side to be happy? or is it that i must find fulfillment in life? i'm really a sticky person. sigh. the predicament i'm in...when i think about it. i really want to deal with it in a rational way. but the emotions are overflowing. maybe this is how it feels when you have done all you can, thrown in all of yourself even though you know it's a very very slim chance of winning it all. just cos the other party cannot commit. my mom said the truth when she uttered that any problem can be solved if only both worked towards it together. sigh...talking about my mom...she said so many things that made me think. that made me want to hug her and tell her i'm sorry that i turned out this way. that i made u so sad. but seriously what do you want me to do.

i need to find my way.

sigh. why...if only everything could turn out fine...

i don't know why. it still feels pretty empty. am i looking for something. or am i wanting something i can't have. or am i not supposed to have it? sigh. it's scary that my parents can be in the next room and i can still feel so lonely. sigh. and all i want to do is to look inside myself for something. but it's not that it's not there. i'm sad when i remember. the past. i live in the past too much. holding on to what we had and trying so hard not to let it slip past again. but sigh. i can't work it all out on my own.

tears are really never-ending...

2006-05-24T14:36:00.000+08:00

it's true. my heart's still heavy. even after my mother had an early morning open up talk with me. she said so many things. cried so many tears. i don't know. how to disect the situation. she linked me up to the Goddess of Mercy so many times. sigh.

the prediction which came true: at 18 i would go through something terrible and i did.

the words my mom said: if only you are the one working at the issue, of course it can't be solved. you must work together with the other one cos there's always a solution to it.

she said alot. really cried alot. i don't know how to or what to do. i need to think about everything and draw a conclusion to it.

mom said: maybe cos you were close to the Goddess of Mercy, that's why you have seen so much suffering and you take them into yourself. sigh.

religious stuff. i really don't know. very very upset over everything.

brokeback mountain

2006-05-24T03:59:00.000+08:00

Heath Ledger put up a very good performance in the sense that he brings out the torment in Ennis, a cautious lover who was torn in between subduing to the 'forbidden' love and having to accustom to the social pressure has on him. On the other hand, Jack was the daring lover who was willing to risk it all to pursue this forbidden love he yearned for. Isn't this the reality of gays in the conservative Asian society?

reminds me so much of something i went through...

Ang Lee said that everyone has his/her own Brokeback Mountain in the heart. Or rather, in everyone, there is always someone that you love but never have it at all. Just like Brokeback Mountain, it's there but no one can ever have it. To me, this is the inspiration of this movie.

sigh.

open your eyes WIDE

2006-05-24T02:03:00.000+08:00

Remember when the cross was used to promote discrimination towards people of color?
Let's not use it today to promote that same attitude towards people who are gay.
Before 1967, laws would not allow Clarence Thomas, a black man, to marry his wife Virginia, a white woman. Opponents of interracial marriage cited the Bible to justify this discrimination.
In 2006, laws do not allow two men or two women to marry each other. Opponents of same-sex marriage cite the Bible to justify this discrimination.
Using religion to justify discrimination is the real offence before God.

all about you...

2006-05-24T00:22:00.000+08:00

to the one who taught me to love myself, i thank you endlessly.
to the one who said she loves me cos i am who i am, i bow down in gratitude.
to the one who gave her time to stand by me, i pray for you to be blessed.
to the one who looks so sad, i'm sorry i can't make you any happier.
to the one whom i've broken her heart, forgive me cos it hurts me too.
to the one who cried her silent tears, i wished i was there to wipe them away.
to the one who thought i never understood, it's not that i didn't...i just couldn't accept.
to the one who endured the pain of these years, be strong for there is a future.
to the one who can never be mine, remember your last words a few conversations past: our bond is not that superficial.

in loving memory '04

2006-05-20T12:42:00.000+08:00

i feel like i'm going mad.
my heart's driving me to the edge.
i want to rip it out.
it's so heavy and filled with this blackness.
it's painful.
what's wrong with me.
from the moment i wake up till now tears can't seem to stop coming.
the more i read, the more i see.
the more i want to do something to stop the pain.
but what?
it's all around me.
i lay there for an hour.
it was too painful to even move away.
more so to breathe.
every breath is laboured.
i want to jump.

let's end it all.

2006-05-20T03:46:00.000+08:00

no matter how much you care, some people won't care back.

mia.

2006-05-20T01:04:00.000+08:00

i just realised. it's the 20th of may 2006. two more months and it wld be another more faithful day. the more i dread living. it's the 20th of may 2006. and what are you feeling. going out with your friends.

the words ring in my head. is it something that i can't accept after all? is it really something that i refuse to see after all?

inside me i'm raving mad.
sometimes i would rather die.

-------------------------------------------------------------

thanks so much jo and haz for coming over. it's been a pleasure. should get together more often for these sort of things. if there's anything at all i can do...you gals are still the best. thanks so much for everything. all the times spent and times trying so hard to listen to things. thanks so much. i dunno how to really show my appreciation.

-------------------------------------------------------------

life is like a big rollercoaster ride. when you are up, it's really high up and you feel ecstatic then in the next moment you are down and everything is at a standstill.

i'm caught between so many emotions. trying to make people happy but all i'm doing is shit. i am shit. fuck this life.

i need to thank my mom and dad and my classmates for the constant laughter and copying plus qian for turning me studious.

2006-05-19T13:13:00.000+08:00

for all those suckers who look down on people like us...BEAT THIS YOU ARSES!!!

2006-05-19T12:32:00.000+08:00

i didn't sleep well.
it's like a churning inside of my head.
of what whas done and what was being said.
and when i woke it was nine in the morning.
it was only part of the nightmare.
it became eleven.
and finally twelve.

i'll be just fine
pretending i'm not
i'm far from lonely
and it's all that i've got

2006-05-19T02:42:00.000+08:00

this is my third entry and probably my fifth edit.

the mask we built on the surface. it's a wonder i can read certain people. to look in and say the things that are true about them without feeling it coming out of myself. it's a natural ability. like instinct. or are they just so logical.

what's left of me.
is a shell.
a person looking through.
a shield that is brought down when i see a special someone.
maybe i'm wrong.
maybe i'm right.

the only thing i can't erase is the unhappy scar over my heart.
and the only one who can do it...
can you make me whole once again?

2006-05-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

i'm letting those words i uttered about you run through my mind. i'm not sure it did any good. since i uttered them. i'm just standing and watching what you will do next since you are easily swayed by your emotions and situations at times.

but i'm wondering the reverse on me too. us. there is an us. somehow it exists in a different plane just that we don't see it or feel it as much as we did in the past. i'm just feeling insecure cos like i said, i don't want to love just to lose. and the thing is i see it when you actually try to let go of the chains you bound around yourself to keep you from all these. when you just want to go along and give in. truth is i don't know what is going to happen and i hope i might be able to do something. that in my absence... you will prove to me one of two things.

i fight.
for a better world.

imu. ahhhh...the memory those words bring back to me.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Watch my life pass me by
in the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
yeah

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless cirlcles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head
Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
Yeah, yeah, yeah

What's left of me
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me
Just runnin' in circles IN MY MIND
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Take what's left of me

i'm caught between saying the right things and keeping the right things in...

2006-05-18T22:21:00.000+08:00

i'm super emotional now.

one is because i said alot of mean things to you. and it hurts to say them. it really hurts. even more so when it is true. when it happens. it hurts.

it hurts to know that even when i look at you, we may never get together again.
it hurts to say things about you.
it hurts to feel you and know that you ain't here.
it hurts to hear you say you don't want to be together.
it hurts.

two is because my mother needs help back there and it may be a good chance to tell them about myself.

if given a chance, i want to let everything go and just hide away. but i can't.
what future? what is left of the future?

will i be someone you once loved. someone who once knew how it was to love.

i am getting stressed out with this world. i need to take a step back and feel the ground.

i'm sorry but this is the path i chose.

i'm not a weakling. i'm made for something more.

--------------------------------------------------------

who am i to you.
what am i to you.
why am i here.
why am i feeling so hurt inside.
what am i doing trying all these.

sean...you should just jump off the edge of a building and end all these.
bullshit.

2006-05-17T15:19:00.000+08:00

i'm cursed with possessiveness.

i really should be a loner.

birthday cakes for breakfast...

2006-05-17T14:51:00.000+08:00

i'm freaking filled with this creamy feeling.

trying to take things slow. however, it's all coming back as if it were yesterday.

my parents, my loved ones, my life.

what is the road from hereon? i'm trying to work at it.

words will forever be words. unless they are put into action.

the turning point. to think about it, it's been almost a yr and two months since that day. how long more then...

i've finally cleaned up the floor. i'm looking at days studying alone without end. university life. don't talk about romance. it's damn messy in that department.

little finger's still injured cos of the drumming. it's like it sprained. but it's feeling funny. throbbing pain.

i think too much.

2006-05-16T19:11:00.000+08:00

a few questions ran through my twenty year old head. one was the line between life and death. like how thin it really is. one moment you are living and the next you are dead. and cos of that, i'm also asking myself about what i really want. with all due sincerity, i love life the way it is now with so many options out there. i love being who i am even when i'm out and with all the funny people staring at me just cos i'm not a biological guy. do i have to be a guy to marry a girl. do i have to be a guy to buy a condom? come on la. think about it. i don't. i don't have to be a guy to say i love you to a girl.

of course for everybody, this train of thought differs. and of course when other factors come into play, it will surely alter the decision. take society for example. it is superficial. let's just say that many guys out there hate people like us. for what reason? cos we steal your girls? i believe that everyone is fair game and that you people should widen your eyes cos it ain't only us.

we are who we are cos we just feel it. malaysian newpapers says this is biological. i'm not sure. i'm just being the person i am. it's true that i don't have to change my sex cos girls are truly blessed. so all that is left is telling my parents. hmmm...like my cousin says: don't make it so confusing. make it simple. be who you are. be you.

but...being who i am, doesn't allow me to be with someone of the same sex according to society. they say it's taboo to and we should never be together. if i stay like this i may end up single living in a place all by myself and it's not that i mind but it does make me wonder: what if i really do? and then i'll start thinking of those memories. it's really true when they say that they will last you a lifetime. it's a time when you start believing that happy endings don't exist anymore. so many people are saying why get together when the person will cheat on you and leave you.

even though i believe in the glory of love. the wholeness of it, what i do right now...it doesn't seem right cos i don't want to break up families. i don't want moms and daughters to fight over this. okay, if the daughter fights cos it's something she really wants to be in then of course it's fine with me but for now i know that's not the case. i could see the restrain in your eyes. and all i can say is that only time will tell if you ever want to let me in.

don't mind me. i'm taking things too fast. cos i'm just living in a real fast paced lifestyle now.

so all i have left to do for now is to plan for tomorrow which is a rush. x-ray and blood tests. i hate drawing blood. be brave sean... brave...hiv test...sigh...

2006-05-16T00:08:00.000+08:00

i'm thinking my life through again. from the start.

like when i turned and then who i knew and liked and became friends with till now. thanks so much da sean for the cake and jean and qf for your time. really appreciate it.

i have a faint vision of what i want in life. but how am i going to acheive it when society is my barrier? i love it that i'm this way. i guess i've become so comfortable with it. sigh.

i miss the times when i know i have someone i could always rely on when i'm down and out. but i guess what i truly missed are the times when i'm with you. sigh. i feel so upset with myself cos most of the time i'm out, i'm thinking of you even when i'm with someone else. and it just hurts so badly inside. even worse when i see you going about with someone else. it hurts. but in truth i also want to confine the hurt to myself. to be happy on the outside so that at least you can move on. cos i know that you would be able to move. that if i just hide and stay in the shadows, you may walk on and be happy with your life. it's not that i don't have faith anymore. but it's just that i'm afraid that i'm trying to force you to a decision which you will regret. i'm not sure. the more i think about you and messaging army guys the more i want to do sth to myself. i'm still so attached. oh God. take me away cos i don't want to feel this pain of not being with the one you love.

i just want to be alone. sitting in my corner.

i'm bruised and battered and torn. but that's not stopping me from remembering the person inside of you.

time to start the torture.

it was my twentieth birthday and you were never there. i've stopped celebrating birthdays and the more i think about them, the more i remember you missed them all. i remembered waiting for your call just to hear your voice. remembered not putting down after you hung up just so that i could feel that connection a while longer. something i got to face. that is reality.

still, i have to express my utmost gratitude to everyone who wished me and celebrated with me. thank you so much gals! and guy. lol.

laughter is erased from this world.

2006-05-15T12:44:00.000+08:00

when i came back here, i felt more relaxed. it's not that i wasn't relaxed in malaysia but it was a calming effect. like everything can be solved here. maybe it's because i don't know how it is to be living in malaysia? i'm not that sure.

it's day two since i arrived here. but i'm pretty tired. did not really tell everyone that i'm back cos i really have things on my mind. gals, i'm back. wahhahha. wilson and i have a date finally. damn him. disappeared for so long. i miss eating for three hours with him. okay now i'm starting to sound like a pig.

been catching up alot with people. but it's the nagging thought at the back of my head. i need to sort things out like soon. wonder if popular has good bargain books. mweheehee.

things take time. and time is what i don't really have. i want us to last a lifetime. but it's going to be rough. working on it. i won't say die when there's a chance. even a slight one.

2006-05-14T23:23:00.000+08:00

i must sort things out cos it's killing me and driving me crazy but who am i to say what is right and what should be done is right and what is totally wrong?

i always believe that if you want sth and you work hard for it, you will definitely get it. work work work. even for the little things in life. believe in yourself and work for it.

but now it's a major crossroad in which i have to think about what i stand up and believe in and what people want. we are all selfish beings but am i selfish when it's sth that is shared between two people. how do you call that selfish? selfish is when it's one sided but you could also call being selfish sacrifice cos you have to let go of one in two things.

eventually it will all boil down to what you want and what you want to work for.

going to spend so much time out. i really need a break. think i should mia for some time. but i won't. there's someone important to me and i have to do something about her. i really have to figure it all out.

thinking. biking. should i? doesn't mean that if i get a license, i'll get a bike. lol. i wonder. should i?

2006-05-14T18:11:00.000+08:00

i'm back in singapore looking at the casing of my old computer cos i sold it to my brother. i think i'm damn bad with selling stuffs cos i barely managed to get some cash out of him. so now i'm left with a laptop.

the past few days were a blur. i was up and down in singapore for a while then i had to go back cos jolene and hazel were coming down to m'sia. it was so cool. i mean, i'm so happy to see them. just that i'm very very very sorry for my "emo-sensi" attitude while you gals were down. they were really sporting and with the help from my cousins, i do hope you gals have a real good time down there. thailand tripping soon yeah?

so now this is when and where the ball starts rolling. i'm twenty today. supposedly at nine plus in the night to be exact. sigh. growing old and it's responsibilities.

i'm so tired now. just had a long talk with counsellor qian. alright. this is the gist of my troubles.

family: asking where i stand in the terms of gender. of course the acceptance and all comes in. what more can i do. and i don't want to make them so sad. sigh. how? i'm so tired and confused now. leading this path, just being here is tough. so how do i work things out? i'm giving myself this deadline to come out with the truth soon.

hy: i'm on the thin line. cos i think i've done wrong. maybe we should just take things further for now. cos no matter how i think about it, something is still holding me back. only time will tell. holding back ain't the solution.

things are coming to a close. and i don't have much time cos it's soon. very soon.

i should work but how? maybe don't spend for a few months? lol.

and it's right, i should change for myself. got so much thinking to do.

it's the 14th of may once againand the one i love the most can't be here again. it's the second consecutive time and counting.

thanks to haz, jo, ren, lay, wilson, qian, keren, swen, lynn, tsuyi, renee, kj jie, sean, and everyone else for being there and giving their well wishes.

i've got two paths.
mia.
deal with it.

2006-05-13T03:46:00.000+08:00

is it so wrong to love?
sigh...
kill me too.

rehab me

2006-05-12T11:23:00.000+08:00

it's another morning. another day. i'm so tired. but i'm still dragging a heavy heart along. i really hate it when i realise this is not a dream anymore. reality beckons. i feel real bad inside. like i shouldn't have done what i did. shouldn't have screamed out my inner self. should have just left it all in and let myself rot. but on one hand, that's not me when i'm with you. i'm too truthful.

i thank sean for her advise last night. however i'm still too stubborn. we shall see alright.

it's like day one back again. the wheels are turning. this time its spinning back into the past. how many nights. how many times more do i have to endure all this.

never-ending story...

2006-05-11T22:32:00.000+08:00

i totally understands how it is to be u keren. when you wanted to do all that for hua. just cos you ain't a guy everything has to end. just cos you don't fit into society's view of what a guy is you can't be the one for her.

it's such a complicated matter.

why...i want to fight. why can't you fight too. argh. WHY.

everyday we are all torturing ourselves. each and everyone of us. why do we still persist on. why do we still fight on. we live each day trying to believe that the next will be a better one. that one day barriers will break. barriers are breaking now. look at how christianity is crumbling. the gospel of judas is out. next will be homosexuality. we are who we are. what's so wrong in it. we are human too. we breathe air. we think too. what's so wrong with loving another girl?

sry jo, haz and karen...it's not that i want to say about your religion...

what's so wrong in being happy cos u are with one another...

rules of starvation.

2006-05-11T18:55:00.000+08:00

a yam pastry, a mushroom pastry and a bao.
that's all i could eat.
great.
slimming down fast.
and if i can't slp, i can get thinner even faster.

hate this.

2006-05-11T07:16:00.000+08:00

i'm awake.
with that soreness in the back of my head.
the heart is breaking again.
it feels exactly...like the time when we broke up.
the time i spent waking up,
hoping that this isn't reality.
dreaming of things that could be.

i guess.
that i'll never really get over it anymore.
cos i'm giving up the fight.
let my tears wash my whole face again.
i don't want to slash myself,
everytime i feel the pain.
trying not to become insane.

i'm telling myself.
there's no point in everything here.
that i should just fall.
and leave it all to the bitterness.
i shouldn't have tried so hard,
to keep it all in.
the more i fought the more i lost.

i'm so tired.
kill me.
please.
i don't want to drag out this life.
cos everyday will be the same.
hate to wake.
can i just be put to sleep,
forever.

reduced to tears...

2006-05-11T01:08:00.000+08:00

i know you want the truth. and i want to open up. but i'm so scared that i'll lose myself when i do so again. i learnt to seal up so much. that's what it did to me. those years as a bung. and the year after you decided to leave. inside of me is a place that holds everything dear to me. and a place where it lives on forever. i don't want to love again just to lose. it's knowing you, seeing you, walking beside you...that makes things happy but while we ate i noticed the silence. while we stood together i felt it too and i am so scared that if i let you in...will you stay? it's knowing that you were and are the person who i can't forget the love for. that is driving me to the edge. i am thankful for the fact i have my friends to talk to but it's true...i miss talking with you. really talking in our own language with open hearts. in that silence i was thinking... so hard that what if i really decided to change...what if i could do just that sacrifice and be the last thing your mom wants...will you stay? sometimes i hate it that i couldn't be the last thing your mom wants. if only...then maybe you would have stayed. it's pure madness i know. but i wished that my heart wasn't torn so badly that i have to hide so much. everyday. everynight. i'm becoming more and more numb. one day i'll forget what it is to feel.

i'm torn between two worlds.
and the knife never relents.
there's something i want to say.
but the words can't come out.
cos it's those very words...
you uttered before you said...
take care sean.

it kills me to know.
it hurts me to see.
that we will be...
two tracks that...
run in parallel but...
never meeting.

2006-05-10T23:02:00.000+08:00

happening days.

was out with sean the second day i was back. great day. really enjoyed it. was at sim eating then down to orchard. and millenia walk. paulaner munchen beer rocks!

and today, was waiting for that gal. THY! wahhhh...wake slp wake slp. wth la. lol! anyway, i'm not sure whether you were glad to be out with me. you seemed so shui bian. but yeah...appreciate the time spent.

was so happy to see ren and jo. muahaha. glad they are doing fine. funny leos of the world unite.

i'm thinking that if i should.
after all that's happened.
and all that is being done.
i wonder what the future holds.
mom...dad...i'm... =x

2006-05-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

it's all a blur.

today is just the beginning of what's to come.

it's making me very skeptical again.

bottle it up and cap it.

2006-05-07T18:10:00.000+08:00

been staying home for the past week. didn't go out with cousins. always playing my games.
neglected casanova. i'm so sorry boy. i cooked today. fusion food? i'm scared it will suck.

maria's son passed away. i don't know but i'm very sad for her too. don't know what to do.

i'm drifting and i'm left in doubt. i can guess the answers and i hate it.

i want to be out every night too. but i can't cos i understand that i have a family who is worried. that's growing up as me. i'm different. i'm just being me.

i got to admit. jo's resourceful. you shld join sdu and not be a part of it. lol.

my act of defiance...it's coming. and i'll be there soon.

contd
it sucked. great. no one ate. wasted my time cooking.
everyone is selfish. everyone except my mother and my aunt and of course maria. i'm surprised at the way they keep the house running. if only the whole world could be like this. then things would be much better. it's when you have people who really care that makes the difference.

i'm glad. that i've got some friends who really care. thanks gals and guys...

back to my fixing tiles again...

2006-05-06T00:27:00.000+08:00

SOMEONE TELL THAT FUCKING SABITRAMA TO FUCKING FINISH HIS OWN QUEST. TMDKNNBCCB. FUCKING QUEST.

cont'd
TO MY FAIRY.

Dear fairy, i know you cmi. but still you are trying ur best to make things instant. don't force la. i know u need to recharge ur magic every once in ten minutes. i tell u, give up la. just give me a hug when you see me. that's all. don't spend ur money buying me things or funding my life. muahah. later u scold me for not being able to eat and tc of urself how? then darling will come and bully me. cannot la. spare me. =))))

2006-05-05T01:47:00.000+08:00

been gaming the whole day cos i don't want to think.
yes jo, i'm a deep person who is in love with folklore.

why get attached when you can be single?
haha.
food for thought.

hard gay rocks.
why can't he come to sg.

sinking into the depths of pain.
why...why...did it turn out that way...why...you...

end it all.

2006-05-03T20:16:00.000+08:00

now how do i tell my mom i'm gay.

cont'd
i've come so far.
and here it is.
the big question.
and the hidden answer.
i'm so tempted to throw everything away.

yes...the hottest love truly has the coldest end.

2006-05-02T21:23:00.000+08:00

dread the coming of two days.
14th of may and the 20th of each mth.
those are the most fucking emo days of the years.
like pms.

okay let's take a break here.
i know i've neglected to thank each and everyone of my goody goody friends for standing by me. without you gals and guys, i would have felt as if the world revolves about a single being. love you people very much. (jo will still have to slp with my dog.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Can you feel the rain?
Can you feel the cold surround you?
You and I are the same
Perfect in our own weird way
Do you believe that things can change?
Do you believe they stay the same?
Cause I don't need your light to light my way
I don't need it, I'm wide awake
Last night's the last time
I shut my eyes
I wanna leave my best side behind when i go
I want you to know
I want you to knoooooow
Can you feel me breathe?
Can you feel the heart that's beatin?
I'm sick and tired of feeling
The candle burn inside of me
Do you believe that people change?
Do you believe they stay the same?
Cause I don't need your light to light my way
I don't need it, I'm wide awake
Last night's the last time
I shut my eyes
I wanna leave my best side behind when i go
I want you to know that
Last night's the last time I run and hide
I wanna believe i lived my life on fire when i go
I want you to know
I want you to know
I want you to know
I want you to know
Last night's the last time
I shut my eyes
I wanna leave my best side behind when i go
I want you to know that
Last night's the last time I run and hide
I wanna believe i lived my life on fire when i go
I want you to know

------------------------------------------------------------

and so the nightmare begins all over again.
tears.
the knife slicing deeper and deeper.
i'm turning numb.

okay people. i'm supposed to say sth like i'm back rite?

2006-05-01T20:54:00.000+08:00

cambodia. siem reap. phnom penh.
it's a place to widen the eyes. they say: go to those third world countries not those first class ones. it's true. there is a heart-wrenching place. everyday is really for survival.
the sights.
temples, temples and more temples. holy place. even i've been purified. buddhas. vishnus. sivas. bhramas. killer staircases. beautiful nagas. ruins.
the people.
beggars. street hawkers. dancers. waiters. and the like. did i mention elephant riders?
the atmosphere.
quite busy. hot. not really humid. but hot.

---------------------------------------------------------------

let's just stop here. cos in truth, though it was an eye opener, my mind was elsewhere most of the time.

the chapter which was supposed to have been sealed reopened. the flood of feelings. it's like a knife cutting through my heart every day. and the worse was when night fell. it gets darker. colder. and then you can only feel that knife slicing and slicing. it's not going to be over...

i don't beg for peace. i know i can never find it unless i unlock the gate. i know i hold the key. i know i can just go there. but...you are the reason i can't move. the reason i'm still waiting in this lonely and tattered house.

and so it goes that the first entry when i'm back is all about what i face inside. those who find this a drag, just skip it alright.

i questioned alot. let things run through over and over. but i'm still inconclusive cos life is this unpredictable. i was at phnom penh airport when i read your blog and the first thing i felt was my heart falling. it hurt. it kept repeating in my head: of all the people who were with you, why did you chose to cheat on me? why me? what we had, wasn't it strong enough. i thought we had trust. i thought we knew each other almost like the back of our own hands. why...me? i never doubted the words we exchanged. not even once. you said: three words, eight characters, one blardy meaning, i love you. those weren't just words. and so, the thing i learnt was how hard the ground felt when you fell. i learnt not to trust anyone with my heart. you...you brought out that heart i hid but then it was you who smashed it too. you said too: our bond is not that superficial. don't tell me about it. your actions will prove everything. and i'm watching.

bittersweet memories. i'm caught at the junction. and time is ticking.

casanova... you are the man for me. charm me with ur mahogany.

learn. watch and learn.

2006-04-26T22:15:00.000+08:00

i'm going to cambodia tmr.
not particularly excited about it.

i saw another electric acoustic guitar on ebay. peal brand. haha. okay i'm getting out of hand.
there are some good buys online. and for those who wants a beginner's look into electric guitar, go get the 350 pack that comes with amp and distortion. it's worth it. old guitars are the best to work on when you don't know what to do.

it's not that i lost the fire to play. i need the break now and then.
bad news. casanova is going to be sent back to sg before i do. so sad.

i'm more tired nowadays and i think it's the effect of not exercising enough.
when i get back. pump la pump.

there are some thoughts roaming about that makes me really doubtful.

i got to learn scales, chord progressions and all that musical thingy. damn i hate theory but it can't be avoided. can i borrow someone's library card please? or else i'll have to make a tent in esplanade library. does national library have music books?

the electric acoustic. hybrid. mine.

2006-04-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

without knowing it, you put a smile upon my face.
bloody fuck.

2006-04-24T18:20:00.002+08:00

i'm very moodless these days.
unless i'm listening to a guitar riff that i'm interested in.
only played for a while these past few days.
damn moodless.

finished my book.
good one by raymond e. feist.
those who don't know.
i'm a fantasy book reader.

everyday is an uncertainty.
i don't need to say so much.
just going to sit and watch.

the restraining order.

hui you na me yi tian

2006-04-24T03:09:00.001+08:00

this is what you get when you are resourceful and the internet is at your feet...

yi jiu si san
shi jie da zhan
a ma nian qing de shi hou
ye ye ai ta na me duo
ta men gan qing hen shen
dan shi ye ye
shen fu zhong ren
jiu zai li xiang de na ye
gei le a ma yi ge wen
qing sheng shuo dao

wo yao li qu
bie zai ku qi
bu yao shang xin
qing ni xiang xin wo
yao deng dai
wo de ai
pei ni yong bu li kai
yin wei hui you na me yi tian
wo men qian zhe shou zai cao yuan ting
niao er ge chang de sheng yin
ting wo shuo sheng wo ai ni

xi yang xi xia
niao er hui jia
a ma tang zai bing chuang shang
hu xi you yi dian san man
yan shen que hen wen rou
kan zhe ye ye
shi tou de yan
wo zhe ta cu cao de shou
a ma lei shui kai shi liu
qing sheng shuo dao

wo yao li qu
bie zai ku qi
bu yao shang xin
qing ni xiang xin wo
yao deng dai
wo de ai
pei ni yong bu li kai
yin wei hui you na me yi tian
wo men qian zhe shou zai cao yuan ting
niao er ge chang de sheng yin
ting wo shuo sheng wo ai ni

--------------------------------------------------------------

it happens in movie, in songs, in books.
does it come true in real life?

sean over and out...

i wish deep down that the person who mattered the most to me...i wish she could have said that...and i wish that things did not turn out this way...

three words...life goes on...i wish that it could have stopped for me right there and then cos the hardest part was moving on without you...

between life and death...i chose to live but let my heart die...

2006-04-24T02:08:00.000+08:00

i don't think much nowadays. all this thinking...it's wrecking me and tearing me apart again.

just focus. focus focus. on improving the points i need to improve.

i want to be joe satriani. work work work. lead guitar? nahh...let me be rhythm.

mixed feelings about returning to singapore. i have so many things to do there. msia is my retreat. i get to do the things i normally won't do in singapore.

relationships? fuck them.
sometimes i wonder...why do i even bother...

keeping it all inside.
love the torture.
love the suffering.
bring it on.
dammit.
come.

things will never be the same

2006-04-23T18:30:00.000+08:00

has it already arrived at that saturation point?
maybe.
being skeptical of the world has its pros and cons.

if the perfect dream is to have a well-paying career, well-furnished home, well-taken care of car and an all-loving dog then why bother to think so much? make money your one love.

life is THAT simple.

the notion of pain creeping around the corners of my mind...
torture me then.
i'm in for it.

to put everything in short

2006-04-23T01:24:00.000+08:00

i don't feel like doing what i normally would be doing.
not even training on guitar.
i accidentally let it hit the table HARD.
great finish didn't let it scratch.

i'm me.
bookworm sean.

check out details below for more updates on chem.

today's topic

2006-04-21T22:26:00.000+08:00

i dun care...everyone better leave me a comment.
hy, gg, ww, keren, qian, renee, swen and whoever else who reads this...

how many people in your life...will you ever meet that has the "chemistry" with you?

chemistry is defined as not only clique-ing (gg asked me to spell like this) but also like having that romantic electrifying "dian" when u look into each other's eyes (even when it's not intensional...). it's sth that won't fade over time. so think about it and RESPOND PPL RESPOND. IT'S GETTING DEAD IN HERE...

2006-04-21T14:08:00.000+08:00

i'm speechless. lol.

--cont'd
i'm eating my second cream horn of the day. should have bought more. hope roti man comes by again tomorrow. one ringgit for two horns. money well spent.

was supposed to wake up at 11am today but it seems that as usual, my mom's 11am is like 9am. tmd la. i was pissed. so i went back to sleep and got woken up by my aunt's constant droning of why ain't i helping my mom and such. today we were supposed to go to this home for the mentally disabled to give them food. and we did just that. i think i was too numb to think about anything. cos the previous night i was thinking things like what is charity about? my mom actually forced me to go and i was quite reluctant cos i really really loved this comfy bed. haha. okay i'm a lazy jerk. what else?

sidenote: charity is about giving. it doesn't count IF YOUR HEART IS NOT IN IT.

anyway i think i met Mrs Poon who went on "oh this is yoke min" and slapping my bicep muscles. -.-" ... she and her husband one of a kind. oh yes before meeting up with the couple, i was at my cousin's kicking the R&B party maniac awake. i'm sooo mean today and i'm LOVING it. shalala...

well, the place was worse off by normal singapore standards. but it had more people. it wasn't a just go there and do your job feeling. it was more of a numb feeling. like i'm just taking it all in. i don't pity them. it's just a void kind of feeling. and yeah...we were busy distributing food. asking around if they wanted food. there was this mongrel chained to the post and i don't know whether it was being playful but it was about to chew off my whole left calf muscle. it's like when i was walking past it, suddenly i could feel teeth on my calf through my jeans. now THAT made me jump! i wanted to wtf but decided to smile and not give the doggie any food. grrr...

first thing i did was to bathe when i came home and i guess i have alot of things to do like brushing up on my language and all that. i got mixed up when the lady said yi sup (twenty) and gave her twelve ringgit. sigh. my language. i need to find someone to speak canto and mandarin with me. if can teach me latin better still. lol.

and while i was strumming on my OH SO ENCHANTING CASANOVA in my mom's room, she began her questioning. she said something about ppl asking why i'm like that and about me being pondan(not gal not guy)... i'm still wondering if i should tell my mom. it's not about her love for me. it's more of a i'm scared to lose you when you are my mom and you are already so old issue.

sometimes i think i really want to drift from family but i really really don't want to because i really love them alot. just that my priorities...they are very different. very very different.

thinking about it, i'm brought up in an environment that thrives on constructive criticism. that's why whenever i get praised, i lose concentration. haha.

so what's next? i've got my trip back to singapore delayed. by a bit i hope. and i hope hope hope i can make everything work out in singapore. got to face up to alot of things when i get back.